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Submitted on
June 3, 2007
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At the end of a frazzled rope hung a man, daggling by a few blistered fingers and a little hope. He looked down, staring into the black abyss below, wondering if it would hurt, and if there was a bottom. Only a half an inch, he slipped, but it felt like forever in an instant. He breathed again. In short, quick bursts, as sweat beaded his brow.

The rope wiggles a little and looking up he sees her, knife in hand, slowly sawing and smiling. “I know you said you loved me, but I thought I told you good bye.”



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:iconitti:
Itti Sep 23, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
I agree with what ~saratheclown said about the ending feeling a little rushed, and the reasons for it. I think it might help if you broke up the penultimate sentence a bit - it seems to run on a bit and this not only gives it less dramatic impact but also makes it feel like you're trying to squeeze everything into as few words as possible. Which of course you are, with the drabble form, but it's not meant to look like you are! ;) Am I making sense?
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:iconmsjames:
Yeah you're making perfect sense and after re-reading it I agree, breaking it up would make it flow a little better and slow down the avalanche! Thanks for the helpful comment :)
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:iconitti:
Itti Sep 30, 2008  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem, glad it was useful :)
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:iconisabellamichel:
IsabellaMichel Aug 4, 2008  Student Writer
Oooh, those last words sounded harsh. This was excellent!
The flow, I felt I almost rushed through the piece in a way and even if it wasn't so short, it would've been amazing at a greater length as well. Beautifully written.
Reply
:iconmsjames:
Thank you so much! Sorry it took so long to replay, but I do appreciate your thoughtful comments! Yeah, it did feel rushed, but I looked at the break up like pulling a plug in a drain, the water drains out more quickly in the end!
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:iconisabellamichel:
IsabellaMichel Sep 26, 2008  Student Writer
Ah no worries. I've been unable to reply to my comments in a while actually.
Life just gets in the way. ;p
Ah, well it's still great! Sometimes when it's shorter, you appreciate it more almost. :) So I like it the way it is!
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:iconmsjames:
Yeah this is so true. The shortness can be a surprise sometimes, so no need in getting all comfortable with same ol same ol... so live! :)
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:iconhotah:
hotah Jun 10, 2007   Digital Artist
I love it!
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:iconmsjames:
Thanks, glad you do. :)
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